


Extended Edition

by Gampyre



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Crack, M/M, baz has a new vampire skill, baz has a thing for big...rats, beard!baz, chest hair!baz, dolphin!baz, simon is really into thick...beards, this whole thing is lord of the rings blasphemy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26127103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gampyre/pseuds/Gampyre
Summary: Simon opens up to Baz about a fantasy of his. Baz uses his special vampire skills to make Simon's dreams come true.OR: The one where Baz tries out some new (facial) hairstyles
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 6
Kudos: 42





	Extended Edition

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to everyone who is pro chest-hair-Baz. Though all the dolphin!Baz people can have little a hairless Baz, as a treat.

“Hey Baz.”

“Yes, love?” 

We’re cuddled up on the couch watching one of the Lord of the Rings movies. I’m not sure which one, because I dozed off about an hour and a half in, and although Simon can quote all the dialogue back to front, I still can’t keep the characters straight. I know the main ones—Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf, and Aragorn. And Frodo and Sam. Oh and the big evil eye thing… Saruman? No, that’s the other wizard. Sauron! That’s it. But I’m not sure which hobbit is on the screen right now. Pip, I think? No, that’s not right. What’s his name again?

“You know that, uh, thing we were talking about the other day?” Simon asks, winding his tail more tightly around my leg.

“Which thing? Are you talking about that pole dancing class?”

“No. Well, yes, we should sign up for that, because it sounds fun and sexy. And it’s good exercise. You’re always saying we should get more exercise. But no, not that. The other thing.”

“The butter thing?”

Simon’s wing flaps in frustration, and it smacks me in the face. “No, Baz. The _other_ thing. You know. Don’t make me say it. About the… fantasies?”

I laugh. “You mean when I asked you what sexual fantasies you had, and you told me you were really into big, long, thick beards?”

Simon coughs. “Yeah, that.”

“What about it?”

“I, uh. It got me thinking. And I had an idea.” Simon’s face is turning red. I wish he wouldn’t be so shy about it. I wish he didn’t feel embarrassed about his kinks. I mean, _I_ started that conversation by admitting I’d always been a bit turned on by Ratigan in _The Great Mouse Detective_. There’s absolutely no reason to be embarrassed about _that_.

I turn to face him. “Well? What’s your idea then?”

He coughs again and mumbles something under his breath.

“Sorry, love, didn’t catch that. Say it again?”

He sighs, and his wings flare out behind him again. “I, uh… could you… ugh. No, never mind.”

“Just tell me, Simon. There’s no reason to be embarrassed.”

“Fine. Okay. Can— can you give yourself a Gandalf beard?”

I try not to laugh, because I don’t want him to feel ashamed, but… _Gandalf_ ’s beard? Really? 

“Don’t laugh,” he growls at me. “I’m being serious.”

I school my features into a neutral expression. “Alright, here goes.” 

I close my eyes and focus my attention on the lower half of my face. One of the perks of being a vampire is that I can grow or shed my hair at will. It’s quite useful, actually. I never have to worry about shaving, and that one time Simon took a razor to my head while I was asleep in fourth year, I simply grew it back the next morning. That’s how I discovered my special talent. I made my hair grow back through sheer force of will. (And vampire genes.)

Gandalf’s beard is quite long, so it takes me a few minutes. Growing hair like this feels a bit like mentally squeezing a toothpaste tube. Well. I’ve obviously never actually mentally squeezed a toothpaste tube, but I imagine it would feel something like this.

Simon’s eyes grow wider the longer and thicker my beard becomes. “Wicked,” he says. Then, “can I touch it?”

I smile. “Of course.” 

He runs his fingers through my beard, which now reaches my navel. It’s not as bushy as Gandalf’s, and my facial hair is still black, not grey, but Simon seems happy enough with it. He keeps stroking it, running his hands up and down its length.

“Okay, okay. Now say something Gandalf says.”

“Like what? I don’t know what Gandalf says.”

Simon rolls his eyes. “Oh, come on, Baz. That’s why we’ve been watching these movies together. Do we need to start over? You have to pay attention!”

“No!” I gasp. “I mean, we don’t have to start over. I’ll just pay more attention to the rest of them. And we can watch them all again another time.”

It’s not my fault he’s so distracting. Or that those movies are so fucking long. He won’t watch the regular ones, either. No, it has to be the _extended editions_ . It figures that Simon “never-paid-attention-long-enough-in-class-to-learn-a-single-spell” Snow would be able to not only repeatedly watch, but _memorize_ eleven hours’ worth of movie.

“I’ll hold you to that, Pitch,” he says, jabbing the point of his tail into my thigh for emphasis. “Now say, ‘ _a wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to._ ’”

I smirk, and in my best old-man voice, I say, “A wizard _comes_ precisely when he means to.”

“Baaaaz!” Simon groans. “I didn’t say the Gandalf beard was a _sexual_ fantasy! Come on. Don’t make it weird.”

“It certainly sounded that way in context,” I scoff. “Are you saying you _don’t_ find Gandalf sexy? Isn’t he, like, the silver fox of the ring or something?”

“Oh my god, Baz.” Simon covers his face with his hands.

“You didn’t deny it. You think Gandalf is sexy.”

“Shut up.”

“Do you think the orcs are sexy too, then? They’re sort of like hobgoblins, aren’t they? I do remember you telling me you think goblins are fit.”

“You know what? Forget it. Never mind. Forget I said anything, alright?”

I feel bad, teasing him about his fantasies like this. I reach over and take his hand. “I’m sorry. I’ll be serious. Is there something else you want to try?”

He shakes his head.

“Are you sure? I could braid it like Gimli’s beard. Or I could make myself all smooth and hairless like an elf. Would you like that?”

He shrugs.

“Hmm… What about the Aragorn look? Or I could just grow a bunch of extra chest hair for you instead?”

He laughs. “Actually, could you make your feet all hairy like a hobbit?”

Crowley. The things I do for love.

“Sure, Simon. Anything for you.”


End file.
